Last night, while my husband and I were eating dinner, I mentioned a friend’s recent professional achievement. I said I was inspired by this person, and wanted to reach a similar accomplishment. To this my husband casually replied, “I’ve noticed that you’re an ideas person.”
Ummm, what?
He said this sort of nonchalantly, so I asked him what he meant. He went on to explain that from his perspective (someone who’s known me for almost a decade, lives with me, and is, ya know, legally bound to me), I was someone who likes to sit down and come up with ideas, but doesn’t like to actually execute them.
A thinker. Not a doer.
Never one to take criticism well, you can imagine my response to that. And if you can’t imagine, let’s just say I immediately started thinking of all the ways he was totally and completely wrong in that assessment — all the examples I had to prove otherwise. In other words, I became defensive, as if my husband had just stood up, threw a taco at my face, and said I sucked.
Eventually, as we talked more, I realized…well, that he wasn’t wrong. At least not about the me of right now, and when it comes to certain areas of my life.
I’ve been a prolific list maker since I could hold a pencil, and always have a million thoughts running through my head of things I want to do, goals I want to accomplish, tasks I need to take care of, mountains I want to summit. But I’m also historically bad at making what feel like life-changing decisions — the choices that surround paths I’m scared of, or uncertain about, or intimidated by. I never want to choose wrong.
My dad taught me around age 11 to create goals and write them down and track them til I made myself the champion of whatever they were. I did that, for years. I used to always have a few proverbial mountains I wanted to climb, even despite not wanting to make the “wrong” decision ever. And now that I sit down to think about it, I’m not entirely sure when I stopped. I still have the goals, but they’re not as lofty as they once were, and I rarely write them out on paper anymore. I also more rarely, it seems, run after them with all my might. Looking back, it seems like as I’ve gotten older and faced more defeat, more heartbreak — like we all do — and had my eyes opened to more of the unfairness of the world, the everyday tragedies, I stopped believing I could DO the really hard or massive things that 11 year old me (or 21 year old me, or even 30 year old me) thought I could. Knew I could. I stopped believing in myself, and then, somewhere along the way, I guess I stopped really trying.
I became the ideas person. The one thinking the extraordinary dreams, but never going after them.
If you’re thinking WOOF, that must not be easy to sit with, you’re right. Sure didn’t feel great — still doesn’t. But feedback, especially from people who really, truly see you — your whole self, not to mention your potential, and better than you can — can sometimes be the spark you need to level up.
When the defensiveness wore off last night, admittedly I began to feel like a fraud. Like someone who talks a good game but in reality, isn’t genuinely showing up or putting in the effort. I started reflecting (once I got past wanting to shout that my husband was wrong), and realized that sure, I’m persistent as hell when it comes to the things that feel within my wheelhouse, and yes I’ve still achieved certain goals — goals I’m very proud of — but in hindsight, it’s been mostly… manageable ones. Goldilocks style goals — not too big, not too small. A goal is a goal is a goal, but…….. what if I have more to give? What if I can still do more, if I just gave myself a chance? If I actually sit myself down and do 👏 the 👏 work. 👏
For a millisecond, I entertained the idea that I had failed, and was actively letting myself down. And then I brushed that off and realized that this? This is an opportunity. I have the option to look at my life differently, and to take in this honest critique as motivation, and see this reckoning as a foothold — the chance to pull myself up and onto the next crest, one that I’d stopped thinking I was good enough for. Maybe there’s more out there. And maybe, just maybe, there’s more within me.
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Happy Wednesday, friends! If any of this resonates, I hope you’ll let me know.
Thanks for reading,
Joelle
Needing to make the “right” choice totally resonates. As we’ve gotten older, there’s more to lose when taking risks or making a big change - risking the stability that has been built, maybe the income one relies on, and once a “happy” place has been reached it’s difficult to see past that and remember that the happy or the comfortable isn’t unique to that one place in life.
Keep ideating! There’s support behind you on whichever mountain you decide to climb🤍
I can completely relate to this post! I have all kinds of goals that I've slowly let slip away as I've gotten older. I guess sometimes it's easier to be content with what you have than to constantly desire more. But it's never too late! And, at the same time, remember all of the goals you HAVE accomplished, however slowly or quietly. You are doing great, my friend.