TW: pregnancy, body image
If it wasn’t clear in my last post — which brought about so much thoughtful feedback that I’m still feeling gratitude for, thank you! — I feel a certain type of way about pregnancy. Maybe it’s because I became pregnant later in life (creeping toward the end of my 30s over here!) and have rolled my eyes at enough of life’s shenanigans already, but I find myself instinctively taking a saltier approach to pregnancy than I’ve observed in some others. Like I said last time, I’m so incredibly thankful and happy for this opportunity and life experience (every week, I eagerly open my silly little pregnancy app to see what fruit my babe is being equated to next — something I never thought I’d find myself getting jazzed about), but at the same time, I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on how pregnancy and motherhood are packaged up in society and the expectations that we’ve normalized.
I wanted to get that out up front because this post is probably going to strike some people as… I don’t know — ornery?
Now, if you know me in real life or you follow me on social media, then you may know that I have strong opinions and a lot of passion toward a few very specific things in this life. One of those things is women’s rights and body acceptance. Growing up in the 90s and early aughts was basically baptism by fire when it came to understanding how ruthlessly (and often carelessly) women are judged in society. It was the era of eating disorders for many people I know, striving to reach an ideal portrayed in the media of what beauty or wellness was supposed to look like, and it was a time when there seemed to be no boundaries when it came to what you asked or commented on about a woman’s appearance. This was evident on TV, in magazines, and in daily life — even if you were just a high school girl trying to make it out of Abercrombie and Fitch with one “cool” graphic t-shirt unscathed. If you were in a larger body, or not considered conventionally pretty by the standards set by who know who (magazines? “The OC?”)— good luck.
As a society, I think we have gotten a lot better1 when it comes to the general judgement of young women and that free rein commentary in many ways. It’s not perfect yet — plenty of keyboard bullies on social media and gossip and judgement even still, yes — but it’s like after Britney shaved her head in 2007, we ever so slowly learned that maybe we should stop commenting on other people’s bodies. Sure there is still plenty of judgment and meanness out there on social media, but on a grander scale, in terms of how we talk to each other in public, there seems to be less of a cultural permission slip for dissecting women’s appearances.
Well, with one notable exception.
This is something I’ve only recently started to experience firsthand, thanks to becoming more and more noticeably pregnant to strangers. It seems not everyone subscribes to the “we don’t comment on women’s bodies anymore” philosophy, at least not when that woman is pregnant. It’s sort of comical how many times in the last two weeks I’ve had someone say to me, “Aw, you’re such a cute pregnant woman!” or some version there-of. “Cute” is just such a curious adjective to use, I think. It’s inadvertently a bit infantilizing (if I want to get real feminist/word nerd on you all), and sort of surprising to use to describe a body that is a human science experiment, but also… sweet? And don’t even get me started on the attempts to touch your stomach (luckily that’s only happened to me a couple times so far, and once was by a best friend).
I’m kind of like… oh, we’re still doing this huh? There’s still a free pass that is generally accepted by society, if the person you’re commenting on looks or is pregnant? Why do we feel so inclined and empowered to comment on someone else’s body even nowadays, specifically during the often hyper-sensitive season of pregnancy/new mom-hood? And is it even that at all? Or perhaps it’s that we feel like we should. And I mean me too, here — I often want to have something nice to say to someone who’s pregnant or going through a life changing experience… it’s natural I think, right? But it also makes me pause to think “but why” when it comes to the more appearance-focused comments.
Now if you know me IRL and have said this to me and are like “wait, did I offend her?!” — no, you didn’t! I promise — I appreciate the sentiment and know it usually comes from a good place. I just find it extremely interesting as a form of commentary or as a compliment, especially from strangers, especially after I’ve had so many people now say it to me. This is, I’m sure, an observation or interpretation largely built out of my own feelings and preconceived opinions about pregnancy and women’s roles in society. I also know people often don’t know how to respond to a visibly pregnant person or what is polite or appropriate to say (I’ve been there to, considering I’m one of the last of my friends or family to head down the kid road). I just think it’s…. interesting. (I’ve said that word so often in this essay but I mean it genuinely, in the truest sense of the word.) Especially since it’s feedback that comes (at least so far for me) from other women almost exclusively, and is usually said with this persistence that I haven’t experienced since trying on wedding gowns.
It reminds me a little bit of that scene in the original “Mean Girls” movie, when Regina George says to Cady, “You’re like, really pretty… So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?”
I am generally bad with accepting compliments (something I’m forever working on!), particularly ones that are appearance related, and so I usually just laugh and mumble some form of “gosh, thanks.”
It’s made me start to wonder what happens if you don’t fit the mold of what society considers to be a “cute” pregnant person. Do people then say nothing to you? Maybe just a congrats and they move on? Or do you get served the other tray of commentary that people like to share with pregnant women — about how uncomfortable you look, or “boy, you’re ready to pop any second!”
I’ve had the privilege of living this life in a smaller body for my 30+ years, and I can’t help but wonder if that’s connected to this curious compliment experience. I’m petite and fit (that feels like I’m try to pat myself on the back for liking to workout or something weird… I’m not), so it’s pretty obvious to people outside my bubble that I’m now pregnant — it’s easily distinguishable on my frame. It’s sort of like that privilege and related perks of being in a small body has carried forward, even when I’m suddenly in a larger body (or larger than is normal for me). But if you’re already a larger person, then what? Are people more hesitant to even remark on you being pregnant at all? Do they see pregnancy as less of an angelic/beautiful/magical life blessing and more of another reason to judge you?
I can’t answer that, but it’s been on my mind quite a bit for the last week, sparked by two (very kind) women at my dog’s grooming/spa appointment who were particularly insistent about how “cute” I was at being pregnant, as if it was a skillset I’d honed. Better, though, than perhaps being compared to a human, two-eyed version of Mike Wazowski?
Anyways, throwing this all out into the ether, per usu. I’d love to hear your thoughts about this experience too, if you’ve lived it or even been on the other end — interacting with pregnant friends/family members/colleagues and not sure what the heck to say or what’s considered a meaningful compliment.
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Happy Friday to you friends, and happy International Day of the Woman.💛 And if you find all this to be as thought-provoking as I do, then you may like this article about women using Ozempic or similar weight loss drugs before or while trying to become pregnant that the New York Times published recently; it was interesting — and included a disturbing comments section that left me quite unsettled (or maybe that should be even more unsettled) about how people view women in America.
By the way, rest assured not all of my future content will not be pregnancy or motherhood focused. I know not everyone enjoys reading about that or finds it interesting (heck, I don’t either). I appreciate you being here for all the seasons, though.
Thank for reading!
Joelle
P.s. if you enjoy this newsletter and want to help others to find it on Substack, make sure to like this post and/or share it on your social media feeds. And let me know what you’d like to see here this year and how you’re doing by leaving a comment. 🥰
I’d be remiss not to acknowledge that we’ve also recently rolled back the hands of time in a number of other and possibly even more disconcerting and dangerous ways — via state policies and judicial decisions — that could lead to challenging future for my daughter and yours. I’m not dismissing that — it’s a problem worthy of many, many newsletter posts and rants and conversations. TLDR: vote, including for those local and state races!
It's a great question! I am at the opposite end of the height spectrum to you at almost 6 feet tall. I didn't really look pregnant until the last few months of my first pregnancy and even then, my belly was relatively small. When People would ask how far along was, they'd always act shocked when I told them, "8 months, 9 months..." but for me, it wasn't a compliment. My doctor was concerned with my small belly and that it could mean our baby was not growing well. In fact, she was born at a healthy 7 lbs 10 oz. I just had plenty of room for her to stretch out already, thanks to my height! I think the bottom line is, if you don't know someone personally, you don't ever need to comment on their body (nice or otherwise).
I have had that thought about what is said to larger/taller pregnant people with each pregnancy (3 of them). I have been bigger to start each pregnancy and I will say, even though I’m short…the comments of “you’re a cute pregnant person ended sooner and sooner with each pregnancy and the other comments started sooner. The “wow! Are you due tomorrow?” Or “You look like you’re going to pop!” Or my personal fav “you look like you’re having twins”. I surprisingly only had 1 person touch my stomach without asking, but it is strange. But when any comments are made, I like to remind myself what a miracle women’s bodies are and how awesome it is that a human is growing inside. All that to say, I totally agree that it is sooo interesting the things people say to pregnant women…especially women who have been pregnant before. Thanks for sharing your new journey with us!