Hello, my name is Joelle, and I hate risks.
Growing up, I was one of those children who adults loved to refer to as an old soul, which really is just code for, “Geez, this kid is worried about everything!” There was a silly meme making its way around the internet last year that said something along the lines of “if you couldn’t commit to actually using stickers and sticking them on anything as a kid, you’re now an adult with anxiety,” and I felt that deep into my soul. I’m just, I don’t know, risk-averse. I’ve been that way forever.
And because I’m not naturally a risk-taker, I am, instead, naturally a researcher. I will research to the ends of the earth! Research my little heart out! Ad nauseam — much to the chagrin of my husband and close friends — trying to ensure I know anything and everything that has to do with whatever thing I am currently being challenged with or have to make a decision on. It applies to stuff that is admittedly completely minor and mundane (like which mascara to buy, or deciding what I want to order for dinner… although hanger usually speeds up my decision-making process there) as well as things that are significantly heftier in terms of importance, but voluntary/not a must-make decision (more on that in a moment). Things that feel more dangerous — by my own personal barometer — inevitably lead to more research time and consuming more real estate in my brain. I have been this way my entire life, and even though it’s not necessarily my favorite thing about myself — it’s pretty frustrating sometimes — I’ve come to accept it. Come to understand that I just like to be sure… or at least as sure as I can be about the things that are actually inside of my control.
Ironically, for someone who cringes at risk, my life is, on default, inundated with more risk than the average person on a daily basis. While you could argue that just being alive is a risk and filled with incredible uncertainty no matter who you are or where you live, I imagine we can agree that certain people automatically have more risk-taking to do in their lives than others, more uncertainty swirling around them than the average human. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that is probably why this element of my personality exists — the result of being plopped into a life of chronic illness at birth.
For me, having a chronic illness is constantly learning to be at peace with that baked-in uncertainty (or trying, at least). Repeating the mantra “I want it more than I fear it” til I’m blue in the face, and compartmentalizing the risk associated with so much (treatments, medications, etc.) that allow me to exist. There is very, very little you can control in life, and even less when you have a chronic illness. I’m not complaining — it’s just a fact, and one you have to get used to in order to survive.
With that, though, has emerged a person (me!) who tries desperately to avoid the risk of a bad outcome at all costs. Anything that is in my control? Well, then I want it to be perfect. I want everyone to have the most fun at an event I plan, I want the cookies I bake to be the most delicious anyone’s ever eaten, I want my work to be the very best in my field. And, I want to have made the smartest, best decision I can in any given situation. For especially important, big life things, this is surprisingly easy for me — if you need someone in an emergency, I got you; I can make a solid, snap-decision and stay cool under pressure. At work, I can readily make decisions and commit to a way forward that makes sense and successful. But if it’s something personal that’s not life-or-death — something that ehhhhhh, we don’t reallllly need to do, or has some general added layer of risk I don’t feel so comfortable with (like, I don’t know, sky-diving) — then I’m going to need a minute. Or, um, several minutes. I instinctively shy away from things that seem remotely dangerous — not because I’m not brave, but because I have an innate urge to protect myself wherever and however I can. Self-preservation, you know? Probably another reason the “say no to drugs” campaign was so successful on me. So yes, I will sit at my computer and Google every possible worst case scenario, every possible combination of keywords. I will ask anyone and everyone I know what their experience was with xyz, and I’m naturally skeptical of their answer. It’s just how I’m built, I suppose.
The reason we’re talking about this now is because I am supposed to get LASIK eye surgery soon. [This is an extremely privileged, expensive surgery, and the definition of a first world problems-esque situation, I know, but stick with me.] I have considered getting this optional and voluntary surgery for literal years. If some of my best friends read this, they’ll undoubtedly nod their heads in agreement. YEARS. I have gone to multiple consultations, talked to everyone and their mothers about it, and already had one surgery booked that I ended up cancelling. (Mind you, that was during peak Covid, so there were some other factors besides just my anxiety that led to the cancellation.) I have read what feels like the entire internet on the subject and at this point, and could probably do the surgery myself (or at least direct it). I know every single awful, terrifying thing that can go wrong or be an after-effect, and despite having several (like, two hands’ worth) friends and acquaintances who’ve had the procedure done and been absolutely fine, I’m still nervous. STILL unsure it’s the right decision. The smartest decision. Still worried I’ll fall into the small percentage of people who has something horrible happen or who has dry eyes for life, or worse; that it’ll be me who ruins my own life over a voluntary surgery I didn’t have to do. (A small part of me is already nervous about even saying that aloud, and putting it into universe.) And frankly I just want my mom to tell me that if do it, I’ll be alright. (Or not! Would be great if she told me not to do it, too!)
I just don’t want to be the decision-maker. I don’t want my fate, in this particular situation, to be in my hands, when I’ve got larger things to worry about when it comes to simply staying alive.
But our fates are all in our own hands, and within our own control — at least to some degree. No amount of researching or rescheduling can nullify that, and I know that without risk, there’s also no growth, no rewards. Maybe some of you are reading this and thinking, “Well, just cancel it already then!” and sure, fair enough. Perhaps ironically my favorite quote is “Fortune favors the bold,” and yet…here I am! So unsure of what to do that I’m telling the whole internet (or at least the few hundred of you who read this.) I will likely be hemming and hawing and Googling right up until surgery time, debating canceling til I walk into the operating room. I keep asking myself, “Why am I like this??!” but I know why. In the meantime, I’m just over here, hoping for a sign from the universe or… something. (Or a comment from someone who’s had LASIK and it was the best thing they’ve ever done? I guess I’d take both.)
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Hi friends. I know there are many far more urgent and important things happening in the world right now, and I hope you know this essay is in no way me ignoring or making light of them. I debated whether or not to write (and skipped last week altogether), but thought maybe someone else needs a moment to get lost thinking about something else (such as my personal neuroses). If so, this is for you. (And what a luxury and privilege it is to be able to not think about the terror and devastation happening in the middle east 24/7 — that we even have the option to change the subject momentarily.) While I can’t offer much on that subject, if you’re looking for somewhere trustworthy to donate to help the many innocent civilians, here is a good list. Additionally, I personally donated to World Central Kitchen and can vouch for their awesomeness.
Before I close, a personal request: the U.S. is facing a severe blood emergency right now — please, please donate blood if you’re healthy, and also spread the word within your community. I am happy to answer any questions you might have about giving blood, too!
Thanks for reading,
Joelle