Like any good Taylor Swift fan, I’ve been listening almost exclusively to her new album since last weekend. I usually like to consume new music from artists I really like while in movement, and in one long stretch. Usually, on a long run or a really long walk. That’s generally how I prefer to digest all new things — big feelings, big problems, big music. Long enough to go from ‘what the heck is this’ (I’m looking at you, “Florida!!!”) to ‘let me dissect every lyric of this 31 song album.’
Copy and paste to other situations in life, musical and nonmusical alike.
It’s the (sort of) tortured poet in me too, I guess. (Thanks Taylor.) I’ve never been someone who enjoys change. (I wrote about that briefly here.) I like a routine, I like to know what to expect, I like to be ready. I want to have a grace period to ease in, rather than be bulldozed into a new chapter. And I don’t enjoy being caught off guard, unless it’s for something that I will absolutely, definitely, no questions asked be excited about. Surprise parties? Not really my jam, but I’ll probably warm up to it. Even new music from my favorite artist, like I was saying — even though it’s something I’ve likely been looking forward to, I have to enter into listening mode tentatively. Uninterrupted. I need to give myself the time and space to process without listening to other people’s opinions.
You can imagine that sort of certainty doesn’t emerge often, though. Life rarely gives you a grace period, and is, however, full of constant change (obviously, right?). That’s what, some would say, keeps things interesting. It’s everywhere, all the time, tiny ripples to cataclysmic, tectonic plate movements. Usually right after you get your bearings, the sand starts to shift. Or at least, that’s how it’s been for me. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing — if nothing changes, nothing changes. You never grow, and you’re never forced to push past the walls you may be bound within, either by your own making or due to external circumstances. But if you’re someone like me who needs that time to process and to get used to the big new thing, then this can be a special little challenge to get used to. Ironically, I innately have a life built on many uncertainties and surprise changes — I’ve talked about this at length in the past, but this is why, I’ve come to realize, I also am drawn to those routines, and to controlling the controllable wherever and whenever I can.
So… I’m used to it, I suppose, but still… that doesn’t mean you ever get really good at welcoming in the winds of change. I think it’s a muscle you have to constantly strengthen and flex, or at least if you have a brain that responds similarly to mine.
The theme of my life the last eight months or so has been exactly that, though. Change, with a capital ‘C.’ Even when I entered this current season of life I’m in, one I’m happy to be in, I was thrown off by the shock of it all. That pregnancy test result was a surprise, ya’ll. (If you’re new here, I didn’t this season of life was in the cards for me, biologically speaking.) I was ready, but maybe no I wasn’t. I had plenty of time stirring about whether or not there was some cosmic hiccup — wasn’t I too old, too unprepared? I couldn’t do this mom-less myself, could I? I think that’s normal though, and I got over it after I’d given myself more time to sit with the news, had time with stinging after that bandaid got yanked off.
Anyways, I’ve been thinking about this a lot so far this week because more change has come knocking, this time in another corner of my life. More of ambush-style flavor of change — like, this is happening, get on board or else find somewhere else to hang your hat. And while I am resistant to change, I also often find myself searching for the grander meaning of it all. Kathleen Kelly’s little shop around the corner had to close so she could go on to meet Joe, and become a successful children’s book editor, you know? (IYKYK.) In other words, maybe that change being ushered in that you didn’t see coming (or maybe didn’t want) is for the best in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine right now. Maybe it’s for some larger reason that no one can explain at the moment but is out there, somewhere, in the universe, waiting to be revealed to us. (Still struggling to accept that on the scale of losing loved ones, to be honest, but I’d like to think there’s a reason for things like that too… I don’t know.)
More than a decade or so ago I had a break-up that, like the word implies, almost broke me. It was the first time I’d ever been in love or imagined a future with someone, and I hadn’t seen the ending coming whatsoever. It took me some time to digest, but looking back, I can see how it set into motion the rest of my life — all the incredible changes and unexpected gifts from the universe that emerged as an effect of that one domino tipping over… even if it was one that, at the time, I’d have preferred stayed glued in place. It pushed me to change where I lived, where I built my life… which led to changes in my career and what i wanted out of a partner, etc. etc., you know? It all connects, even though at the time, I thought the one change was the most devastating thing ever. (Your mid/late 20s are something else, aren’t they?) One of my best friends had shared a quote with me at the time (hi Val😘) — a quote I still remember hearing for the first time sitting across from her at dinner after I’d told her I was moving, and that I immediately wrote down. I’m sure I’ve shared it here before, but here you go:
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” - Steve Jobs
It’s never not proven true for me since the first time I heard it. (With one exception — if you’ve read this newsletter for a while or know me IRL, you can probably guess that that is.)
This week, I’m having one of those out of body experiences, though, where I’m trying to imagine what this fallen domino will mean. What it’s leading to. I’m realizing that if you consider change like that — with an openness to allow for the possibility that the change you didn’t plan for is actually allowing for more goodness, rather than anything to tighten your fists at — it can feel like a delight rather than a punishment. I can’t get into the details but when I first got the news, I immediately reacted like I normally do — brain swirling and wanting to examine the situation from every angle possible, get all the answers I could, and instinctively ready to think this was the worst idea ever. But a voice in the back of my head has continued to softly repeat “trust the timing of your life.” And maybe that voice is right.
I’m going to let it be right.
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I hope everyone’s having a great week! I’m trying to get over a cold, and likely everyone within my orbit is sick of hearing ‘The Tortured Poets Department’ playing anywhere that I am. If you haven’t listened yet or are not generally a T. Swift fan, my favs of the album at the moment are “So Long, London,” “Fortnite,” “Clara Bow,” “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me,” “Peter,” “The Manuscript,” and “The Black Dog.” (A lot, I know, I know… but it’s a double album!)
Thanks, as always, for reading!
Joelle