I wasnāt planning to write about Motherās Day this year. I already did so last year, after all, and not much since then has changed when it comes to my stance on the holiday ā Iām still here, missing my mom, and sheās still not anywhere I can physically celebrate her or even call her. But, tis the season for every clever copywriter to bust out their very best mama-related puns, and for every brand and shop youāve ever interacted with to pull out every cringeworthy tactic they can come up with to tie a sale to the notion that you might have a mother (or be a mother) in need of celebrating this one Sunday of the year.
My usual go-to position with Motherās Day is that I want to ignore it completely. I did this before my mom died when everyone around me started having kids and I was still unsure what I wanted out of my life path (although of course I would celebrate my own mom), and then I took it up a notch when I lost her. Every year, it feels like society ratchets up the āhey mama!ā content another level, as if the collective ātheyā controlling our cultural algorithms canāt possibly fathom that not everyone feels compelled to celebrate Motherās Day, either in a capitalistic, high consumption sort of way or at all, period. This should be obvious, but not everyone has a good relationship with their mother. Nor is everyone a mother, and thatās not necessarily by choice. For many people, motherhood is a complicated topic, if for one year only or all the years of their life. And some people just consider a Hallmark holiday and donāt want all their feeds saturated with reminders of the day.
Thatās okay. All of it.
Sure, thereās also a lot of people who do celebrate. People who do want to read about gift guides or the best Motherās Day brunch options or who enjoy the terrible word play in brand emails and consider this one of the most cherished holidays on the calendar. This newsletter is probably not for those people. And thatās okay too.
While Iām firmly in the first camp, here I am talking about it again. Why? Well, because I think the idea that you donāt have to celebrate Motherās Day (or really any other holiday) if you donāt want to bears repeating, as does the fact that itās not a day that everyone enjoys or plans an event around. Most people in my personal life have known for the last few years that I donāt do Motherās Day celebrations, but I have quickly realized that this year, itās being treated differently. Iām being treated differently. Not because I feel different or even am different in relation to the holiday, but because many assume I am due to my season of life. They assume I changed my stance, changed my mind, changed my heart, ready to pick my party hat back up and receive the flowers that I would have previously mailed to my mom.
And hey, that assumption is not crazy! In fact, itās maybe even a normal leap to make ā to figure that if someoneās pregnant, then of course theyāre going to be fully in for being celebrated ā or celebrating ā a holiday devoted 100% to that role or chapter of life. I can completely see how someone might expect that, especially if theyāve never experienced the grief related to losing a parent (or perhaps a child, or perhaps the struggle to become a mom). I get that; Iām sure most people who dislike this holiday for their own personal reason(s) do too. That, though, is really what led me here, to this space, to talking about this again here.
Iāve had people ever so lovingly reach out to me already to discuss this Sunday or to wish me a happy first Motherās Day (and I sincerely mean multiple people ā so if youāre reading this and are like āoh shoot, sheās talking about me specifically,ā Iām not, donāt worry!). Iām in no way offended or angry about itā¦ I appreciate people thinking of me. Really, I do. Heck, my mother-in-law sent me a thoughtful gift and I loved it, so I suppose itās a situation by situation basis too. But grief is a weird, long, personal journey ā something most people havenāt had to think too hard about yet ā and for those of us in the dead momsā club (or, I imagine, struggling to become a mother or decide if they want children), Motherās Day is more nuanced and complex than just an event you pick up a greeting card for or try to remember to call your mom during. Every year, I remind myself to have grace with myself, because Iām allowed to feel however I need to about this day (or the other milestones that are more sensitive for me). I also remind myself to have grace with others, because it really is hard to imagine what youād want or how youād react in a similar situation til youāre in the boat yourself, desperately paddling away from the cliff. And to be thought of at all by another soul is a gift.
For me specifically, I donāt want any semblance of a reminder of Motherās Day. Not even a hint that thereās a holiday afoot that celebrates something I miss every single day. The fact that Iām expecting to have a child soon makes absolutely zero difference to me right now, and quite honestly, I donāt anticipate my view changing that dramatically once she arrives. Does the world need to cater to me, though? Of course notā¦ but if thereās an option to opt out of your Motherās Day marketing campaigns, you bet your ass Iām going to choose it. And not only do I not want to be wished a happy Motherās Day, I also donāt need messages asking me how I feel about the impending holiday or wondering how Iām hanging in there or telling me Iām being thought of. (Others may! Iām talking about myself only.) If I get them, Iāll be appreciative, certainly, but itās more painful for me than anything else. If youāre not sure how the people in your life feel or want to be treated, just ask. I bet theyāll appreciate it.
And in case I now seem like a motherhood hater or the ultimate Motherās Day grinch, you should know that I absolutely think moms deserve to be honored and appreciated (every day, thank you very much) and I have no problem wishing the moms in my life a joyful day. Personally, though, I want to ignore it, full stop. I will have a happy day, but not because of the holiday. Rather, regardless of it.
Wherever you fall on this subject, whether youāve mulled it over enough to write a zillion words about it or havenāt given it a second thought, I hope you have a happy day too.
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And thatās all for today, folks! If this weekend is tough for you, I see you ā youāre not alone. Donāt force yourself to feel anything or do anything that doesnāt bring you peace, Sunday or any day. If you are a mom or celebrating a wonderful mom in your life ā yay! Enjoy your time. And if you need a pick-me-up either way, try playing Sabrina Carpenterās āEspresso.ā Itās almost too catchy.
Thanks for reading,
Joelle
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