The (Lack of) Holiday Spirit
The one not approved by Santa.
Hey friends! Happy Saturday.
I always picture this time of year — the week before Christmas — as us jumping into a sled at the very top of a snowy hill and pushing off; it’s a quick slide straight into New Year’s Day and a new chapter.
I feel like I keep asking but seriously — how did we even get here so fast? I literally still refer to 2019 as “last year.” (It most definitely was not last year.) Is anyone else experiencing this? It’s like my brain has just refused to give in and accept that time does not stand still and isn’t waiting while we figure out how to get out of this dumpster fire, or til we process all the trauma that’s sort of become commonplace for us; like it’s just digging in its proverbial heels and waiting til life feels safe and normal again before it acknowledges how life has continued on nevertheless, and what that means. That, like it or not, time has done laps around us, regardless.
I have read time and again of people feeling like they have lost years, being in this weird purgatory of pandemic life. That it feels all sorts of unfair, to physically get older and continue to skate through to the end of the calendar year and into another season, because many of us haven’t able to live life the way we would have before *this* all started — before we began using words like “unprecedented” and “new normal.” Even people who are still enjoying life milestones, like having a baby or getting married or getting a promotion at work, it’s all colored by this grey filter of uncertainty and caution. And you know, I guess I feel that way too.
Things have definitely improved (YAY science and vaccines!), so let’s not lose sight of that. We’re not at square one, by any means, even if it can sometimes feel that way, depending on the news cycle. Last year, I spent the Christmas to New Year’s slide completely alone, as my husband was quarantining in our spare bedroom after having been exposed to Covid (and I’m confident I’m not the only one who spent the holiday season like that in 2020). And gosh, I guess I really thought this year would be different. We all did, didn’t we? I thought things would feel less hard, and require less mental gymnastics and risk calculations. That the holidays could feel light and merry and bright and, you know, all that again. Turns out, that’s not quite the case, at least not where I live. But I just… I don’t know. I just want to look at my damn Christmas lights and feel wistful, or at least hopeful, as if Santa is bringing us a brighter 2022. Is that too much to ask?
And so, I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t feel that holiday magic. I am not, by any means, “in the spirit.”
As an aside, this absolutely makes me think of the movie “Elf.” (“The only way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!”) Except Buddy the Elf would probably be extremely disappointed in me, because I can’t even bring myself to turn on Christmas music, forget sing along. I mean, I’ve never been one of those Christmas fanatics (you know who I’m talking about) but you bet I usually like to dabble in some Christmas cheer for the nostalgia of it during the month of December. (And also, the ‘90s boy band and pop singers’ versions of Christmas songs, obviously; this playlist is for you if that’s also your holiday jam.)
I have barely even watched Christmas movies, which is usually my favorite; the Hallmark ones were a staple of my childhood Decembers, most watched with my mom. I think I’m avoiding them because I’d rather be in their version of the holidays right now.
It would be easy for me to blame my apathy this holiday season on grief related to my mom, but I think it’s more than that. We are exhausted, and burnt out at work, and it’s just all kinds of hard to temporarily push aside the weighted blanket that has been on top of us for the last 21 months. If you’re feeling this way too, be gentle with yourself. This doesn’t have to be the OMG, BEST DECEMBER EVER. You can be lukewarm about it all, or feel sad, whatever you need. There’s no right way to feel about everything, and it’s okay if you can’t will the Christmas spirit into your heart this year. You don’t have to fake it for anyone, either. Some people will seem festive as ever, probably ones with kiddos, and that’s also okay. Long story short, we’ll get through this, as we have before. And when all else fails, bake yourself some brownies. (I don’t know… that’s the advice my mom would have given, so felt right to include.🥰)
++++
One more thing! Thank you to everyone who sent me emails and messages or left comments after last week’s post. You all are the best, and it always makes my little writer heart the happiest when I know anything I’ve written resonates. It’s really the best part of the job (lol “job”), and I so appreciate anytime someone takes the time to let me know stuff like that.
Have a wonderful weekend. You’re doing great.
Sending you all the YAYs,
Joelle