Staying on the Bridge

The one about listening to what you really want out of life.

For years, I did the things I thought I was supposed to do.

The “will never turn down a party” sorority experience in college.

The post-work happy hours and weekends alternating between bar hopping and being hungover in my 20s.

The management track in a previous 9-5 job, until the stress of that role ultimately broke me.

I’ve said it before, but I am a rule follower, an expectation adherer, a [recovering] people pleaser. And for years, I’ve looked out at my life, and slid into the activities and the moments I *thought* I was supposed to be saying yes to. Sure some of them left me fulfilled, but not all of them. I think all of our experiences are, I don’t know, cosmically necessary I suppose, to set us on the path we’re supposed to be on — so if you were starting to think this is an essay about regret, it’s not. But it’s clear to me which parts of my life and my being have felt more comfortable — felt more like the real me — and which felt like I was dutifully checking off the list of things I thought I was supposed to like. Supposed to do. The parts of life I shrugged on like a scratchy sweater when I wasn’t even cold.

The older I get, the easier it is to recognize which layers are not mine — which I don’t need to keep. Which ones I only put on because someone else was chilly.

I’ve been thinking about this all this week. Asking myself what I am doing (and maybe that’s still doing) because it seems like I should. What am I pursuing because social media makes me assume it’s what I should want, or like it’s the logical next step in my life? Are my goals mine, or are they the imprint of someone else?

It’s so easy to get caught up in what everyone else is doing, and to feel like you should be doing the same. Too easy. To expect that you should be at a similar level in your career, or when it comes to what your family looks like, or even what your daily routine looks like. I think about this a lot when it comes to the conversation of being a parent. I’m now one of the only ones in my circle of close girlfriends who is not a mom yet (unless you count my dog, and she absolutely does count herself). Sometimes I feel like I’m behind, or — as someone who’s really struggled with the idea of having children — if something’s wrong with me for not knowing so clearly what I want like most of my friends have. [If you want more musings about that, you can read this essay I wrote right before my birthday last year.] But honestly, copy/paste — this can apply to so many other areas of life.

I’m trying to do more of this — ask myself if I’m doing something because I actually want to, or if it’s just because I feel like I’m supposed to, or like it’s expected. Maybe you’re reading and nodding along; maybe there’s stuff you’re pursuing, but deep down, you’re not really sure why. It’s sort of a startling realization, but the good news is that it’s your life. Yours. And you get to build it and mold it and knock it down and start over, to ultimately get to whatever feels best for you. To create a life that feels more like a soft, worn-in sweatshirt.

When I was growing up, my mom would frequently say this to me: If {insert person’s name} jumped off a bridge, would you? Little morbid now that I think about it, for a conversation with a kid 😅 (although I was an old soul, so we’ll give her a pass), but her meaning was clear — just because someone else thinks something is a great idea or *the* thing to do in this life, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you. And what a beautiful reminder, quite honestly. Every day, I try to hold my head up high and remember this is not a practice round; this is our moment! I want to make sure the ways I’m spending my time, the people I surround yourself with, the dreams I’m working toward are fully mine, inside and out. Making sure it all fits.

+++++++

If this week’s essay resonates, I sure hope you’ll let me know! Leave a comment here or send me a note. In other news, I am desperately wishing for autumn but it just so happens I live in endless summer. (I know, I know—I shoudnt’t complain.) I’m heading to the east coast next week and fingers crossed it’s sweater weather. (But, like, a cute, light sweater — not multiple layers; I’m not mentally prepared for that lifestyle anymore.)

If you’re looking for something to watch, please turn on “The Morning Show” — it’s so very good! I just started the newest season. I also just started watching “Outer Banks” and I know I’m super late to the party but… what the heck is happening on that show? I thought it was going to be a fizzy teen drama a la “Dawson’s Creek,” and it’s… a sort of dark dramedy? There’s murder? Help.🙃

Thanks for reading,

Joelle