Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come

The one about not cancelling on the things that bring us joy.

Jul 05, 2023

I have this thing about me where I will almost always have a good time when I’m out and about, but I almost always don’t want to go to begin with.

I will hem and haw about plans made, especially during particularly challenging periods of life (including lately, when work has been crazy), and then I consider cancelling, or hope the other person will cancel. (That sounds awful, I am aware.) But, inevitably, I’ll go, because I hate to let people down, and — as my husband has usually accurately predicted — I’ll end up having a fantastic time. The most fun! Will come home saying how great it was to do xyz or see Jane and Sally, and how I can’t wait to do it again.

…And then it’ll happen again the following week. Lather, rinse, repeat.

It’s a weird little conundrum, one I usually chalk up to being an extroverted introvert. I wasn’t always like that, and I don’t know if it’s a by-product of the at-home-all-the-time lifestyle that the pandemic brought these last few years, or if it’s just the result of really settling into my 30s, but goodness. I don’t think I necessarily ever considered myself a homebody, but in the last few years, I’ve felt myself lean further into wherever that part of myself was previously hiding. Let myself really sink into the joys of being comfortable and cozy in my own little bubble, my own little space. One I share with another person and a dog, but still…it’s my place and there’s a specific level of peace that sort of familiarity brings with it. I mean, I suppose that’s the definition of home, right?

The last few weeks, I’ve felt like I’ve over-scheduled myself, in an earnest effort to try and feel like work isn’t my whole life. My 2023 goal at the start of the year was to make space in my life for things that bring me joy — to try and break out of my (sometimes rigid) routines and very Virgo tendencies — and I’m still trying to figure out how to balance everything. Sometimes, trying just ends up leaving me feeling overwhelmed…last week included. It’s like a tug of war between attempting to figure out how to get to the bottom of my to-do list whilst also not feeling like an anti-social hermit, and inevitably that just leads to feeling too busy or over-committed — albeit with mostly fun, often wonderful things. It’s a very Goldilocks situation — like, which routine is juuuust right?

I don’t know why I always assume staying home is the better option (or why my husband is usually correct that I should just go🙃). My instinct is to want to cancel on everything when I’m feeling overwhelmed or exhausted, no matter what it is and even before I’ve done any of it. And it’s a silly sort of first world struggle… like boo-hoo, you have people who want to hang out with you and who enjoy your company? You got invited to brunch or a movie? Such a strange and ungrateful thing — to complain about something like that — isn’t it? But at the same time, if you are already feeling like you’ve been stretched thin or are worn out, it doesn’t really matter if it’s attending a party all about celebrating you’re amazingness or a date with a raccoon. It’s still going to potentially end up feeling like a chore or like you’re too tired to get there.

As for last week, I didn’t cancel on any of the plans I had committed to, even though I was feeling anxiety leading up to some of them. (I’m weirdly proud of that, the not cancelling. A small achievement, but one nonetheless.) I remembered this op-ed I read last year, about being additive with your life as a coping mechanism for burnout, and you know what? There’s something to that idea. I, of course — like always — had a lovely time, at all of it. And then Sunday night, someone on Instagram posted this:

“Instead of saying, ‘I’m so busy,’ I’ve started saying, ‘My life is full today.’”

Serendipitous timing, I’ll say. And what a nice thought! Reframing at its finest.

It’s 1,000% okay to decline things and to set boundaries and to say no. To honor your body and eliminate the energy vampires, in whatever form they may be showing up in your life. But the world is overbooked and short-staffed and on its last nerve, so the things and people that bring you joy — including those who want to share some of their precious time with you — should be a positive, not something to preemptively assume will drain you. An item for the pro side of the list… or maybe not on any sort of list at all. Or at least, that’s something I’m working on.

Cheers to not cancelling. Cheers to continuing to show up and pursuing the moments of joy, however and whenever we can.

So Many Somethings

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