When I was about to start middle school, we moved to a new state on the opposite end of the country. When I think of that first year in our new home, I mainly think of the endless shopping trips I took with my mom to the mall to buy stuff that I thought would help me better blend in. From the type of trapper-keeper and notebooks to the kind of shoes I wore with my school uniform or the knock-off Adidas jacket with the three white stripes on the arms that I “needed” to fit in. To play the part (a part), I suppose. All I wanted, desperately, was to be accepted. I struggled to make new friends, largely thanks to 6th grade being an awkward year overall and me having a hard time speaking up and showing my personality around new people. And also, some 11-year old jerks, of course.
Eventually things got better — I got more comfortable and found my people (and my confidence) — but that feeling — of constantly being unsure of yourself, and feeling like no matter what you do, you can’t seem to measure up… that feeling has stuck with me. It’s not what I lead with, especially now that I’m in my mid-30s, but it’s a feeling that sometimes rears its head during certain seasons of my life. It’s also frequently what being a writer feels like.
I skipped writing here for the last two weeks because something — I don’t even remember what at this point — triggered the worst case of impostor syndrome I think I’ve ever had. I honestly rarely compare myself or my work, and I’m usually quite confident in my professional skills, pretty clear on what I am or am not good at. Suddenly, though, I felt like a fraud. Like nothing I wrote could or should ever be considered decent, and all of my ideas were dumb. I considered throwing in the towel on a creative project I’ve been quietly working on for the last 8 months or so, and potentially deleting this newsletter… all because I felt like xyz person on the internet was a stronger writer than me and doing a “better” job.
The comparison trap is exactly that — a trap. It’s so easy to look at someone online or to admire someone’s work without actually knowing them and assume they’ve got it all together. To pit yourself against a stranger on the internet or in your field and feel less than. Just because you think something, though, doesn’t make it true.
And sometimes, you just need to show up regardless. I missed writing, here and anywhere, and even though I procrastinated and erased and started over a few times on today’s newsletter, I figured maybe I should still do it. Still send it. Still show up. One of my favorite yoga instructors often says this during practice: “You showed up today, and that says something about you.” I find that to be such a beautiful and true sentiment, and I find it reverberating in my head with regularity — especially lately, as I’ve felt a bit lost in my journey and dripping with self-doubt.
So anyways, I’m going to try and continue to show up, and if you needed a reminder, then this is for you too. Even when we don’t feel like the pieces are fitting or there’s a voice in our heads saying we aren’t enough — perhaps especially then.
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I hope you all have a wonderful week, and if you can relate to today’s letter, I hope you’ll let me know. 💛
Thanks for reading,
Joelle
I am so glad you showed up and shared this! Here’s to being brave and putting yourself and your creative ideas out there!!
You are awesome! Your writing is awesome!! Don’t ever forget it!!! 🤗