I Should Be Packing
I have, since I was a kid, been someone who likes to wait to the last minute. Who almost always gets there riiiight in the nick of time.
Hardly ever early. Usually just barely making it at the agreed upon time (or arriving 5 minutes behind).
And when it comes to tasks or projects or activities, I ooze self-motivation, but only about things I’m particularly passionate about. If it’s not a personal priority for me, I inevitably procrastinate.
I’m someone who honestly (ironically?) hates to be late, but yet somehow still ends up tip-toeing up to that line each almost every time. Pushing the limits of how long I can wait on something and still get it done before a due date or arrive before, say, the plane takes off without me.
Maybe this is why I’ve been drawn to working in editorial as a career — your girl loves a deadline. I am useless without one. In the absence of an externally set one, I’ll make one up for myself. Otherwise, that thing is almost certainly not getting done any time soon. It’s getting filed away or added to a sticky note list that sits on my desk or is taped to my bathroom mirror and stares at me until I’ve checked it off. I’ll do it eventually, and I’ll definitely stress about it until then, but it’s still unlikely I’m doing it with any sense of urgency until I feel some pressure (though that would probably ease some of my stress, wouldn’t you think?).
I’ve never missed a deadline (nor a flight), and will kill myself to get something done and turned in on schedule, but yet I sometimes struggle to get myself to start earlier…. even though, by all accounts, that would make life at least slightly easier.
It’s confusing, really. The people pleaser in me never wants to let anyone down, including myself, but yet here I am, doing things like sitting and staring at cardboard boxes that are begging to be built and filled and taped.
Sometimes, I think this waiting to the last minute is a product of that people pleasing, Type A nature — procrastinating more on things that intimidate me or that I don’t feel like I’ll be particularly good at. As if dragging my heels will somehow make up for any areas where I feel like I’m lacking or not enough, or delay something that scares me.
Some of it, though, is almost certainly born out of a straight up resistance to change. As if procrastinating is an act of quiet rebellion somehow. (It’s not.) I’ve only recently realized this, but growing up with a chronic illness taught me to cherish consistency and worship having a routine I could count on. When something in your life is potentially unpredictable or high-maintenance, you often want everything else to be as reliable and familiar and stress-free as possible. I mean, I’ve had the same morning routine for literal years. I eat the same things for breakfast and lunch pretty dependably week over week, and have most of my adult life.
I think it’s made me into the creature of habit that I am, and though I’ve moved a lot in my life so far — coast to coast and back again — I’m still reluctant to accept or welcome in change… even when it’s of my own doing. This move, for example, is something I wanted, that I pushed for, something I know will bring a great chance for growth and new opportunities. And yet, I’m a little nervous. I’m nervous to start going to a new treatment center (for my blood disorder) with new nurses and new ways of doing things. I’m nervous to find my new go-to spots — for take-out ramen, or coffee, or dry-cleaning. I’m nervous about the in-between murkiness that always accompanies change of any kind, big or small — where things are not quite right yet, and you’re still trying to find your groove. The unsettledness of it.
But, things do settle. We do find the ease amongst the struggle, eventually.
It takes having the patience to navigate there, and, frankly, the courage to get started at all.
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I usually shoot to send these notes out on Fridays, but with the move and all, I’m a little behind on things. I hope this one finds you doing something more fun than packing on your Saturday.
If you need something to help you procrastinate, though, may I suggest reruns of “The Mindy Project?” I only started watching this show for the first time recently thanks to a recommendation from my best friend, and it’s so good! Perfectly light and funny without feeling too ridiculous. A good weekend watch, I’d say. And if you need something else to inspire you (or just something else that’s Mindy Kaling-adjacent), I am obsessed with this speech — an ode to those of us who care a whole lot about all the things.
Thanks for reading,
Joelle
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