Friday Things // 12.25.2020

The one under the tree.

Hi there, friends.

It’s Christmas, so if you’re celebrating, I hope it’s been a good day so far. Probably a bit different, maybe a little uncomfortable, but I hope you net out on the happy side of the equation.

I’ll be honest with you — I considered not sending a newsletter (or whatever we’re calling this chat) today. I’m just not feeling all that YAY; I’ve been having a hard week, and have been trying to just put my head down and make it through to January 1. (I’m seriously considering renaming this thing — The YAY Club may have been a bit of an optimistic name choice for a 2020 project.😹)

Nevertheless, here I am! I figured, maybe you’ve been having a tough day too, or hell - a tough year. And if you are, or you have, well, you’re the reason I’m sitting here typing. Not all of us are having a great day, or a very merry Christmas, and that’s okay. We’re not alone — you’ve got me (and I’ve got you!), on the other side of this screen, and I promise you it’ll all be alright. Soon.

As for the present?

I have wished that people would stop wishing me a merry Christmas the last couple of days. Wanted to rip down the holiday cards taped to my kitchen cabinets with an anger that is new to me and, quite frankly, off brand. I have wanted to just stay in bed and scream at the top of my lungs, cursing the universe for the cards it dealt me this year, right up to the end.

But, I didn’t. I haven’t.

I tried, sort of. At the risk of sounding like a real weirdo, I’ll admit I attempted to scream while sitting inside the car the other day, thinking it would be the cathartic release I needed. (They do it in movies all the time, don’t they?) Turns out rage is just not natural to me — I couldn’t even muster something louder than my usual singing voice. Needless to say, it didn’t live up to expectations, and instead made me feel like a goober (or like I was truly losing it). Lucky for me nothing is normal this year, so practice-screaming in your car is just another drop in the big bucket of weird that’s been 2020. 😝

So, instead of leaning into my anger and grief, I’ve tried to push forward. Into my normal routine, and I thought about what my mom would be saying to me if she was here. She’d say there’s always a reason to laugh, to think positively (because positive thoughts yield positive results), to not sit in the negativity. She’d say to watch something funny — that there’s no way the world can still feel bleak after a comedy. And so, I’ve tried to do that. I have, the last few days, actively tried to pull myself out of this deep, dark sea I’ve been swimming in due to the holidays, etc. (The “etc.” because there’s always extra that piles on when you’re already feeling that storm cloud overhead, right?) In the last couple days, I’ve baked, and cooked (highly recommend these gingerbread waffles), and sweat, and watched episode after episode of “Friends.” So far this Christmas, I’ve oscillated between pretending it’s a normal Friday and listening to Justin Bieber sing about Santa at the top of his lungs. I cried, I showered, and put on a sweater that was my mom’s, that she often wore on holidays. (Somehow it sort of fits me, which is funny because she and I were very different sizes.)

My mom loved Christmas. She loved buying gifts for people — all the time, but especially for Christmas. I still remember the year she got me an American Girl doll I’d be desperately hoping for — Molly (because we were both brunette with glasses, obviously). We used to open family gifts on Christmas Eve, and Santa’s presents on Christmas Day morning. That Christmas Eve, there was Molly, with a matching set of pajamas for she and I. And I remember my mom braiding my hair in pigtails that night before I went to bed, so that I could match Molly as much as possible (she wore braids). I’m not sure why that’s the memory in my head today, but maybe because my mom was so dedicated to making sure the holidays were special. That year, and every other year. Even one Christmas when my dad had been sick and in the hospital til a day or so before Christmas Eve… she still made sure it felt like a fun day, full of love.

I hope one day I’ll be able to do that — be the one that always has that invisible string of lights that wraps up a holiday into something lovely and special, even when the the rest of the world outside seems dark.

But today? Today’s not that day.

Maybe next year.

In the meantime…. let’s try to laugh today. Whether it’s your Christmas or just a regular Friday, whether you’re fighting an internal battle or not, missing people or not, let’s try, together. The silver linings always exist, the reasons to be grateful are always around — even if they’re so tiny you have to squint to see them. You don’t have to pretend to be happy, or that it’s been even close to a good year… but a little laughter never hurt.

Sending you love this Friday,

Joelle