Hi friends!
How’s everyone’s Friday going? It’s chilly here today (at least by Los Angeles standards…) and I’m writing this while listening to the 10 minute version of “All Too Well” for the, I don’t know, 85th time or so? And actually, that’s sort of what I wanted to talk about today. (Not necessarily about that song or Taylor Swift specifically, but more on that in a second.)
Let me preface by saying I’m the kind of person who, when she likes a particular song or album, has no qualms about playing it on literal repeat, over and over. (My husband will attest to this, because I rarely where headphones when I’m at home listening to music.) I go through musical phases where I’m obsessed with something and want to keep hearing it again and again and again. Eventually I’ll get tired of it, but admittedly it takes a while for that to happen, and clearly that’s where I’m at right now with Taylor’s re-release of her Red album, and specifically this song.
I’ve found it interesting, the reaction to the extended version of this song and just overall re-release, and specifically from the people who aren’t fans of Taylor’s music or even understand what her songs are about, beyond the alleged celebrity ex aspect. A lot of media and internet memes have made a joke of the fact that she’s singing about a relationship that happened over decade ago, with the overall social commentary being something to the tune of her needing to get over it. That it was too short-lived of a relationship to have gotten so spun up about, or for any emotional baggage to have stuck with her for so many years, etc. (In case you’re not up on the lore of this song, it’s allegedly about her break-up with Jake Gyllenhaal, after dating for allegedly three months.)
Ugh. I mean………. really? REALLY?
The “get over it” narrative bothers me so, so much, and not explicitly in the context of anyone’s reactions to Taylor singing about an ex, but more so to that overall theme of there being these imaginary rules for how long it’s okay to feel certain feelings, what’s socially acceptable when it comes to being upset or affected by experiences in your life, and really what constitutes “serious enough” or “big enough” to end up impacted by. I don’t know about you, but I heard some version of “just get over it” all the time while growing up in the ‘90s and early 2000s, essentially right through to my mid 20s. It was the through-line in movies, women’s magazines, pop culture, you name it. (Well, that and weight loss.🥴) It always felt like there was this invisible barometer you were being measured against, in terms of how much of a “cool girl” you were. Like you could react to things, but not too much, or else you were crazy or too emotional or too Lord knows what else, and you should only do so if the thing met certain made-up criteria for what made it worthwhile.
I had a break-up in my mid-20s with someone I’d been dating for a few years (conveniently right around when the original version of “All Too Well” was released, in the early 2010s). I vividly remember feeling utterly destroyed whilst also feeling like the second our relationship ended, a stopwatch had flipped on somewhere that was calculating how long it was taking me to move on and be okay again. And, I remember feeling like an idiot for being unable to do either of those things faster than my ex did. But… why? Why did I have to get over it quickly and neatly? Why would I — or anyone else — have to act like something painful or jarring or world-shattering to you is no big deal? Just because whatever you experienced doesn’t match what society tells you is important, or is worth making a fuss about? Who is it that decided breezy, unemotionally invested women were the ones to aspire to?
One of my favorite podcasters, Kate over at the podcast Be There in Five, recently did an episode talking about the Red album’s re-release. During the episode, she said something (referring to women specifically) that really resonated for me, and summed up what I’m trying to say here:
“You’re praised for seeming unaffected, and made to seem hysterical if you care about the things that happened to you.”
She’s right.
It’s as simple as that.
And also, just because years later you remember an experience / former relationship / harrowing event / anything else that emotionally impacted you, whether it’s been one month or 10 years, it doesn’t necessarily mean — as the reaction has been to Taylor — that you’re obsessed with something in your past. It’s a-okay to remember the things that happened to you, full stop. More than okay! To reflect on, or be reminded of, what you went through. It doesn’t have to mean what society often likes to depict: that you’re stuck, or anything else negative. It can simply mean that something mattered to you, regardless of how big or small it may have seemed to anyone else, and you know what? That’s alright. That’s being a human being who feels things, and it’s really okay if that’s happened (or is happening) to you — to be affected by the things in the past that hurt you. Hell, I can still be triggered by something and remember said break-up (and all those emotions) over a decade later, and it certainly doesn’t mean I’m over here agonizing over what could have been. Sometimes things leave an impression, and I think that’s just being alive. I’m not sure why, as a culture, we have such a hard time accepting that, or why it seems taboo for someone to feel emotional reflecting on an experience that happened longer ago than yesterday.
Anyways, long story short, feel your feelings, about whatever the hell you want, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about that.
[[Gets off Taylor Swift soapbox.]]
++++
I’m off to watch the first episodes of the new Sex and the City show (and probably cry because so far, everyone I’ve heard from who’s watched has said made it seem like it’s a lot heavier than just talking about dating and Manolos this time around). I hope you all have a lovely weekend! And if you have any thoughts, I hope you’ll share with me here in the comments, or drop me an email.
Thanks for reading!
Joelle
So well said. I actually read this right after you posted it but didn’t have the chance to comment. It really rang true and so much so that I had to come back to say it here. Let us feel our feelings!
I really appreciate what you said here. It’s so true & has definitely happened to me. Thanks for putting it into words for me 😊