Friday Things // 03.05.2021

The one running in place.

Hello from fabulous Las Vegas!

(Seriously.)

This is where I went to high school, and it’s where my parents have continued to live since I’ve been an adult. It’s also where my dad now lives alone.

The last time I was here was in August, less than a month after my mom had passed away. I’d spent the entire time masked up in the house and clearing out my mom’s closet, because my dad was insistent that we needed to get rid of her clothes immediately. (We donated them to a women’s shelter here.) That was also around the time I realized my dad and I had completely opposite grieving processes.

My dad came back to California to visit my husband and I a couple of times since then, but with that giant Covid surge around the holiday season/late fall/beginning of this year, I’d been waiting for a “safer” time to travel again. It still doesn’t necessarily feel the safest (aka the most normal), in my opinion, but my dad is fully vaccinated, and my husband and I are halfway there, so it seemed like as good a time as any in the middle of a pandemic. I mean, I’m wearing two masks in the house (because I only got my first dose of the vaccine less than a week ago) and still am paranoid as hell that I’m not doing everything humanly possible to keep my husband and I healthy, but hey! I’m trying. There’s more to clear out and pack away and clean up.

So, here I am! Sitting in my parents’ backyard, listening to the birds chirp that used to endlessly entertain my mom when she was alive and would watch them through the kitchen windows. 

If you’ve never been to the Vegas area in late winter/early spring, let me tell you — it’s the very best time to come. It’s my favorite running weather, and the sky here is perpetually robin’s egg blue. (See the above photo?)

I was imagining I’d go for a run or two while we’re here, because I almost always go for a run when I’m back visiting my parents. That streak stopped when I was here to see my mom pass at the end of July, because frankly I was in too much shock to make my body do much of anything beyond sit and stare. It was sort of off-putting actually, because usually running is the way I solve all things, work out all emotions. Needless to say, I didn’t run again during our August trip, partly because it was swelteringly hot and partly because I was mentally and emotionally drained from the “work” I was doing in the house. And so when I packed my stuff to drive to Vegas this time around, I brought my running clothes and of course had my sneakers and very much planned to do at least a couple runs and bask in the glorious weather and empty, wide sidewalks (because although I know other runners live here — I used to see them at our annual Thanksgiving 5K — I rarely have ever run into anyone else running near me anytime I’ve gone for a run here in the last 14 or so years). ((I didn’t start running til my senior year of college.))

I’ve been here since Wednesday, and nothing.

Yesterday, I thought to myself that maybe I would do it later in the day, after I got the bulk of the tasks done my dad was asking me to do. (Nope.)

This morning, I woke up and immediately thought, “Hey, you should get up and go run.” But the thought just made me……. exhausted. And sad? 🤷‍♀️

It’s not like I’d be heading out for a very long run, or even a 5K. I got a stress fracture in my patella in September, and am still recuperating (currently up to about 2 miles so…. progress). 

In the old days (pre-2020), whenever I was in town, I would head out for a run, and most times, I’d do a longer route, and my mom would always come meet me at the end, by car. She’d drive up near the planned end of my run and wait in the parking lot of the nearby community center, bringing me water and a towel, ready to go grab lunch or do an errand or just head home. Did she need to do this? No, of course not — I easily could have done an out-and-back and ended my run back at the house. But that was just the type of person (mother) she was — she wanted to be with me as much as possible when I was visiting, and to make life lighter, simpler, happier, any way she could (even if potentially inconvenienced her in the process).  

I’m no shrink, so I’m not going to point to the fact that my mom is not here to meet me after a run, not to mention whip up some pancakes for brunch (also a tradition after my runs… or really anytime), to explain my disinterest in exercise right now, but it sure seems possible, doesn’t it?

Reminds me of the first long run I did after she died, back home. It felt so strange to no longer have anyone to call after I was done, because I’d usually call her on my drive home from the beach or wherever I’d run that morning, to let her know how it went. And you know, maybe that’s been the hardest part of grief of all — the feeling that the person who knew you best, and cared the most, is no longer anywhere to be found. Just a continuous ringing, to a phone in an empty room that never gets answered. 

Anyways, I’ll run again. Maybe not today, but eventually. In the meantime, here’s a little reminder to give yourself grace during whatever you’re going through, or whatever is blocking your path. (And, please know it’s fine to skip a run, or any workout, friends — anytime, no excuse needed. 😘)

**Psssst — if this post (or any of The Yay Club) is resonating with you, leave a comment, and/or share a post… it makes me smile every.single.time.

Sending you all the YAYs, 

Joelle