Friday Things // 02.25.2022

The one about living with grief (not a bummer, promise!).

Oh hello! Look who got her act together to send out a morning letter for once! Happy Friday indeed. 😉

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Now, I realize I left you all with a bit of a downer last week, and I apologize for that, although I didn’t actually mean to sound so… ya know. Broken. But that’s sort of what I wanted to talk about today. A part 2 of our previous Friday post, if you will.

So, my trip back to my parents’ house (and yes, I will continue to refer to it that way for as long as my dad owns it, regardless of whether or not it’s been years since my mom walked its halls)… long story short, it ended up being a fine trip. Good, even. I helped my dad with the stuff that needed helping with, I cooked and I hugged and I laughed on the couch and read a book and you know, it was okay. I didn’t crack. I didn’t melt down from the emptiness of it all. We were able to have some good conversations and even joke around, in a way that has felt nearly impossible for quite some time.

I think the thing to remember is that grief doesn’t go away. Will it always be difficult for me to head to the city where my mom died? Possibly. But… that’s okay. Any serious loss — it never leaves you. Any cut will eventually heal, but there’s always going to be some sort of scar, some tough skin, that exists to remind that you lost something. My mom passed away and that is a fact, and so it’s also a fact that, since we were close, things will never feel completely normal to me in the wake. There will always be this feeling that something’s juuuust not right, like when you have a sense and just can’t quite put your finger on it. Except I can — I know what it is, what’s causing the feeling, or making certain places or experiences feel less than. No mystery here!

Before I lost my mom, I think I sort of subconsciously assumed that eventually, you just *get over it* when someone dies. As if death of someone you love is just another hurdle in life you have to jump over and forget about to get to the next milestone. And I mean, it sort of is, I suppose, but now I know that there is no “getting over it,” and there’s no forgetting. The pain and the trauma of it eventually softens around the edges a bit with time (and that timing is all relative and personal), but that shit stays with you indefinitely. And really, wouldn’t you want it to? I mean, theoretically speaking, wouldn’t you want to know that someone mattered so much or was so special, that you could never forget about them, even if you tried? That’s kind of incredible… to be that loved.

The oh so wise beyond his years Macklemore once sang that, “I heard you die twice, once when they bury you in the grave, and the second time is the last time that somebody mentions your name.” He’s right.

So if for my mom to stay alive in some sense it means that I have to feel sad or weird or just plain ol’ different navigating certain circumstances or just, you know, being in the world, then so be it. I’m glad for it. I’m grateful I remember her, and I know I’m forever changed for having known her at all. Grief is love (wise words I can’t take credit for, but remain true nonetheless).

You know I love a good ramble but point being here that if you’ve experienced loss in any sense of the word, you’re not broken. You are free to experience all of the emotions and struggles and awkwardness, and really, I hope you do. Let yourself be really in it. I know it’s painful (Lordy, I know) and sometimes it feels like this pit in the trenches of your heart or soul that you’re not sure you’ll ever be able to fix, but the good news is that there’s nothing to fix. The pain means you loved deeply, and hey— good for you! That’s the brave thing. (And it won’t hurt quite so badly forever, I promise.)

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I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I know there’s a lot of difficult news out there right now, and while I 100% support and recommend being informed, I hope you also take good care of yourself, and protect your heart and mental health however you need to (#boundaries). xo

Thanks for reading!

Joelle

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